Rudy’s friend Rudey responds rudely

Editor:
I’m Rudy the Dog’s better half. They call me Rudey because I speak the plain truth. I may have nine lives, but Rudy’s tall tales in the Alameda Sun are killing me (“Canine Reflects on Camping Trip,” March 5).

It’s March and Rudy finally got around to saying how much he loves the smell of Christmas trees. He told the editor that his story would have arrived sooner, but the cat ate his homework. Anyway, everyone knows that dogs don’t like the smell of trees. Dogs mostly love the smell of urine, which is why they spray trees. 

The Old Man (as Rudy rudely refers to our doting human servant) repeatedly had to yell at Rudy not to spray the Christmas tree. One time he even threw the Sun at that silly dog. 

There’s only one smell Rudy loves more than urine, and that’s the backside of other dogs. If the Old Man put a bowl of delicious food in front of Rudy, along with a female dog and a Christmas tree, Rudy will first want to smell the dog’s backside. After that he’ll want to spray the tree. 

Dogs are histrionic while cats are dignified. Rudy, like all dogs, craves attention, which is why he writes to the Sun. If Rudy had a Facebook account he would post an update and a picture each time he sprayed a tree and smelled some dog’s behind. 

I could point out all the other tall tales Rudy has told but I’m a cat and we have better things to do. My life and my thoughts are vastly more interesting than Rudy’s, but that’s my business, not yours. I’m Rudey Unchained; there are no leashes on me. 

As for the oldsters, they’re doing fine, except I heard them talk about a shortage of toilet paper. Even Rudy is smart enough to know that toilet paper isn’t necessary. If things get much worse, they might have to put the Sun where the sun don’t shine. 
 

 

— Rudey the Cat (Steven Mason)