Covid-Free Santa’s New Religion — Just Be Nice
Covid-Free Santa’s New Religion — Just Be Nice
During a virtual press briefing that was broadcast from Santa’s workshop, Santa’s spokes-being, Gumdrop the Elf, confirmed that Santa and his crew, as metaphysical entities, are Covid-free. Thus, Christmas gift delivery to all little girls and boys will proceed as usual, with gifts magically appearing under the tree on Christmas Eve.
Per Gumdrop, Santa will use the recent election results to purge his supply of gifts to bad little girls and boys, which from 2016 have been “Cheetos Messiah” voodoo dolls and Mike Pence bobble heads. (Naughty kids receiving the Cheetos Messiah dolls are advised never to use them, as the dolls have enormous hypnotic power for creating discord.)
It was also revealed that Santa will continue his boycott of mainstream religion. The boycott started in 2016, when many evangelical Christians began claiming that the 45th president had been “sent by God” to lead the United States.
According to Gumdrop, Santa was greatly amused and bemused by this, because the 45th president’s activities and policies greatly resembled those of the mythical monster god of the Biblical old testament. “Like that god,” said Santa, “the 45th president is a hypocritical, cruel, vindictive, petty, homophobic, narcissistic, misogynistic, racist, capriciously malevolent bully.”
Gumdrop reminded viewers that in 2019, Santa expressed his frustration with evangelical Christians by replacing Christmas with Blackmas, which, Santa said, expressed the two core principles of Christian belief; which are “love your neighbor as yourself” and love God (Awareness) with all your heart.”
(Blackmas is an acronym for beauty, love, acceptance, compassion and kindness.) Santa recommended that Blackmas be celebrated on Dec. 26, with laughter, feasting and good deeds.
Gumdrop then unveiled details of Santa’s new religion, “Be Nice.” Be Nice got its name by poking fun at the outgoing FLOTUS’s infamously grammatically incorrect “Be Best” initiative. Accordingly, Be Nice uses the outgoing POTUS’s activities to contrast niceness with meanness.
Reportedly, the principles of Be Nice are “It’s nice to be nice” and “Be nice, or be gone.” Likewise, the tenets of Be Nice are equally succinct. The first tenet is the Golden Rule. The second tenet is “Kindness and honesty are your only strengths.” The third and most important tenet is “Don’t be a (vulgar synonym for donkey, or VS).”
Santa gave Gumdrop a brief instruction sheet, detailing situations where Be Nice can be practiced, using the activities of the outgoing POTUS as metaphoric examples. The sheet read as follows:
Be Nice Situation 1
You have staged an event, and exaggerate the attendance with doctored photos and hyperbole, such as “A crowd like nobody’s ever seen! and “It’s the biggest crowd of its kind ever!”
When your statements are disproved, you call the reports fake, and have your mother try to rationalize your lies to your critics. “They’re not lies, they’re ‘alternative facts,’” she says.
The tenets of Be Nice that apply to this situation are the second and third. An honest person would never require alternative facts, and only a total VS could even think of such a thing.
Be Nice Situation 2
You inherit a real estate fortune, and attempt to parlay it. You fail at selling the following: gambling, air travel, professional football, magazines, vodka, wine, steaks, board games, cologne, and real estate sales instruction. You owe investors, vendors and students millions of dollars. You file for bankruptcy six times, thereby stiffing your creditors. Again, your mother rationalizes your behavior: “It’s just good old American godless capitalism!”
The Be Nice tenets that apply to this situation are all three, with emphasis on the third; only a complete VS could be so greedy and amoral.
Be Nice Situation 3
You enter politics, and decide to pander to a strong voting base, evangelist Christians. You brazenly violate all the principles of the religion, including its greatest evil, the love of money. The Evangelists ignore this, and still regard you as the Messiah. Your pious mother says: “God chooses the most unlikely men to spread His Word!”
The only Be Nice tenet that applies here is the third, obviously.
Gumdrop ended the briefing by showing a short video speech from Santa. A jolly-looking Santa said:
“Beloveds, 2020 has been a year of great upheaval. But, after four years of demagoguery, paranoia and belligerence, we’ve been given the opportunity to end the year by bringing civility and decency back into public discourse. Let’s vow to Be Nice!” Merry Christmas!